|A (satirical) list of resolutions to live by in 2013.|
- I will improve my artistic abilities in the New Year, but will not do so by painting obscene words on the sides of public buildings and traffic signs.
- If pulled over for a traffic violation, I will not ask the trooper if s/he knows this other trooper I’ve met in the past whose name I can’t recall.
- I will not ask a deputy for directions and then disagree with the directions given because the GPS says otherwise.
- I will not walk up to officers who are eating and proceed to ask them if they are eating.
- I will lose weight this year, but will not attempt to do so by running from the cops.
- I resolve to spend more time with my family and friends. Being in jail together does not count.
- I will be more punctual, but won't use patrol cars with sirens as my personal escorts.
- I resolve to never tell a deputy/officer that I pay his or her salary.
- If I see a police officer at Dunkin’ Donuts, I will not laugh out loud. Only on the inside.
- I will stop pretending to "understand the law" because I watch a lot of Law & Order.
Thank you to Officer Eric Bohrer, Inver Grove Heights (MN) Police Department & Marshal Bill Swank, Department of Homeland Security, Federal Air Marshal Service, Cleveland Field Office for helping with this list.